


take my hand, take my whole life too

by FreyaS



Series: Tony Stark Bingo [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Dating, Established Relationship, Fluff, Holding Hands, Insecurity, Kissing, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Relationship Negotiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 04:58:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17954036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreyaS/pseuds/FreyaS
Summary: Tony Stark Bingo 2019 fill - square R1: hand holding—Tony stands in front of the mirror and nervously adjusts the cuffs of his bespoke suit. He fiddles with the cufflinks shaped like the atoms of the element he created (a present from Rhodey for his forty-something birthday) and tries to breathe in slowly and calm his nerves. This is his fifth and probably last date with Steve and he wants to commemorate the moment with his most polished look. The suit is his armor and it’ll carry him through to the bitter end.





	take my hand, take my whole life too

**Author's Note:**

  * For [only_more_love](https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_more_love/gifts).



> First of all, I would like to thank [only_more_love](https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_more_love/pseuds/only_more_love) for your cheer-reading and beta help. Your endless support and amazing feedback helped make this fic possible and I am so grateful to you. Thank you also for the prompt that inspired this!!

Tony stands in front of the mirror and nervously adjusts the cuffs of his bespoke suit. He fiddles with the cufflinks shaped like the atoms of the element he created (a present from Rhodey for his forty-something birthday) and tries to breathe in slowly and calm his nerves. This is his fifth and probably last date with Steve and he wants to commemorate the moment with his most polished look. The suit is his armor and it’ll carry him through to the bitter end.

 

A low whistle cuts through his thoughts and he turns away from the mirror to catch sight of Steve in his own suit, leaning against the door frame. His tie is loose around his neck and he’s barefoot. He looks so comfortable and soft that Tony’s breath catches.

 

“You’d think I’d get used to seeing in you in a suit, but I’m never ready,” Steve says. He approaches Tony and points at his neck with a pleading expression on his face. “Can you do the tie for me?”

 

Tony shakes his head fondly and takes Steve’s tie in hand, quickly and efficiently assembling a perfect knot. He presses the tie down and lightly taps Steve’s chest. “Who did this for you before I came along?”

 

“Who do you think? Bucky, of course. He was always going on about how a properly done up tie and a good suit would help me get a dame. Turns out, I need the opposite for a fella.”

 

Steve winks at Tony and Tony suppresses a smile. Ever since he had admitted he loved the 1940’s vocabulary that Steve sometimes dropped, Steve had been playing it up, even letting his Brooklyn drawl grow more exaggerated. Tony feels fondness, sweet and slow like molasses, fill him up every time Steve indulges him.

 

“Any reason you couldn't make him do it now?” Tony asks. Bucky might have a metal arm now, but it is perfectly calibrated, so even intricate and delicate tasks are within his scope. It would have been faster if Steve had just asked his best friend to fix his tie rather than coming to Tony.

 

Steve smiles softly and places his hand over Tony’s on his chest. “I like it when you do it.” He draws Tony’s hand to his mouth and drops a kiss on the back. His eyes have that certain look in them and Tony knows what is coming, has time to prepare himself when Steve drops his hand and draws him in for a kiss. It is...pleasant. Chaste. Just a sweet press of lips. Tony kisses back and then draws away quickly before Steve can deepen it.

 

“Come on, we’ll be late for our dinner reservations,” Tony says. He doesn’t miss the look of disappointed wistfulness on Steve’s face and his gut fills with ice. He won’t be able to avoid it tonight. Steve has been patient for the last month, but surely tonight he’ll push for something more than the kisses and the cuddles they’ve shared so far. Tony slips his hands into his pockets and clenches them into fists, ruining the crisp lines of his slacks. He can’t delay the inevitable.

 

-

Dinner is lively and fun; Tony forgets for a while that he’ll have to give Steve up at the end of the night. They talk about the last villain they fought, about the team, about their day, and about themselves. Steve never looks bored as Tony regales him with the details of his newest project. He’s attentive and asks questions, looking genuinely interested in what Tony has to say.

 

It’s refreshing, to be listened to rather than tolerated. It’s not unlike talking to Rhodey or Bruce but unlike them, Steve looks at Tony like he hung the moon in the sky. Tony probably doesn’t look much better and he listens just as intently as Steve describes his visit to the VA office with Sam and Bucky. How he’s teaching Wanda hand to hand combat. The bet he won against Nat; something to do with doing 300 pushups in a ludicrous time frame. Steve is animated and excited, letting Tony see a side that’s usually locked behind the professional Captain America mask he dons for the public.

 

 _Oh God_ , he thinks, _I’m going to lose it all_ . Surely even Steve wouldn’t be kind enough to stay friends with the ex who broke his heart. And Tony knows it _will_ break his heart. He can see in it Steve's tender gazes, feel it in his gentle touches, and almost taste it on his lips. Steve Rogers is in love with him and tonight Tony will break his heart and his own in the process.

 

That somber thought sinks Tony’s mood like lead for the rest of dinner and he stays uncharacteristically silent, letting Steve fill the space between them with words. Steve shoots him a few confused looks but he doesn’t bring up the change and allows Tony to stew in his own thoughts.

 

Tony pays for dinner and resists the urge to suggest they stop for ice cream on the way home. He knows what is coming and hopes he can do it with dignity. Steve will kiss him, maybe press him against the door and run his hands down Tony’s body. Tony will have to push him away. He’ll regretfully step away from Steve and avoid the hurt in his eyes and say, honestly, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

 

He has the length of time it will take for him to drive them back to the compound to enjoy their relationship. He supposes it is a blessing that they haven’t exchanged “I love yous”; it would be so much harder to walk away if they had. Tony glances at Steve. He looks vibrant, anticipatory, his leg bouncing and his gaze… meeting Tony’s own. Tony quickly looks back at the road but he can’t help but lift one hand off the wheel and place it on the divider between them. After a moment, he feels Steve's hand settle over his own, and then feels a light squeeze that he returns. If only they could hold hands forever.

-

As Tony predicted, once they arrive back at the compound, Steve follows Tony to his room. They don’t run into anyone, for which he is grateful, but he slows his steps the closer they get to his door. His hands are sweating and his heart feels like it is beating out of his chest. His breathing grows unsteady as he feels Steve crowd against his back. He knows Steve can hear his heart, can probably hear his rapid breathing. He is sure Steve will mistake them as signs of Tony’s mutual arousal, rather than the fear it really is.

 

As soon as Tony opens his door, Steve pulls him into a kiss. This one is a complete contrast to the kiss they shared earlier. Instead of a chaste, sweet thing, it is deep, Steve’s tongue licking against Tony’s mouth and sweeping inside when Tony reluctantly parts them. His hands grip Tony’s arms, wrinkling the suit jacket and crushing Tony to his chest. His whole body is a hot brand against Tony and―there, pressed against his thigh―he can feel Steve’s cock.

 

He knows he should step back; knows he should push Steve away like he planned and gently end this with dignity but he can’t. He loves Steve and he’s desperate to hold onto him.

 

He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to focus on kissing Steve back. It can’t be that hard. He’s done it before. He knows how to fake interest, knows when to moan, where to touch back. He can do this for Steve and for the future of their relationship. If he can just pretend for long enough, he can satisfy Steve and he can keep him another week.

 

“Oh Tony, I could barely control myself at dinner. Is this suit new? You look amazing in it; God, I can’t wait to take it off you,” Steve says as he lifts his mouth off Tony’s.

 

Tony concentrates on breathing, trying to quell the rising panic in his chest. He flinches as Steve starts to press kisses down his throat. He should move, he tells himself. He should touch Steve through his pants. Maybe if he gets Steve off quickly, he won’t be expected to strip, to try to get hard. He lifts his hand and then drops it. He can’t.

 

He promised himself he’d never do this again and he won’t, not even for Steve.

 

He steps back, breaking Steve’s hold. For a moment, Steve reaches towards him, looking aroused but confused. He drops his hand when he sees the stricken expression on Tony’s face, concern flooding onto his own face, dimming the arousal.

 

“Tony? Are you ok? Did I hurt you?” Steve asks. He sounds so concerned and Tony feels wretched. He shouldn’t have ever let it get this far. It wasn’t fair to Steve, letting him get invested in a relationship that was never going to last. But, the temptation had been too much when Steve had first asked him out. At least now, when they fell apart, Tony would have the memory of what it was like to be Steve Rogers’ boyfriend to help him deal with the loss.

 

Tony wraps his arms around himself and lets out a humorless laugh. “You didn’t hurt me, Steve. Or do anything wrong. It wasn’t you. It’s me.”

 

He turns away from Steve and walks to his bed. He sits down on the edge and hunches his shoulders, feeling small and worn down. A moment later, the bed dips as Steve sits down next to him. “Can you please explain?” Steve asks, his voice soft and filled with worry.

 

Tony marshals his courage and meets Steve’s eyes. Steve deserves Tony’s honesty and a serious conversation. Steve looks so worried and cautious, as if he is afraid that he’ll spook Tony like a wild animal. Steve, always so careful not to hurt Tony, even as Tony hurts him.

 

“I don’t do that,” Tony states, gesturing vaguely at Steve’s lap. He can’t tell if Steve is still hard. “I can’t have sex. I don’t like it and I don’t get aroused.” He maintains eye contact with Steve and watches as Steve’s worry fades to confusion and then, hurt.

 

“I don’t understand Tony. I know you’ve had sex before. There’s a reason for the playboy title,” Steve points out. The hurt look is deepening and Tony can already see where Steve’s mind is going. “Is it… is it me? Are you not attracted to me? Because if you aren’t, you don’t have to lie―”

 

Tony cuts him off, desperate to correct Steve’s misconceptions. “No, please, it’s not you! It’s completely about me. You’re right, I have had sex before, though a lot of the stories you’ve probably heard are also exaggerated. It took me years to realize that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t going to come to like sex if I just had it enough. But I was scared, I thought something was wrong with me, or that I was less of a man because I couldn’t do it. So I tried and did a lot of things I wasn’t comfortable with. But since Pepper, I told myself that I wouldn’t do that again. It isn’t fair to my partners and it’s not fair to me.”

 

Tony pauses to gauge Steve’s reaction. He looks less hurt and more curious, and he nods, as if to tell Tony to continue. “Anyway, I’m not sure how thorough SHIELD’s dossier on sexuality was, but if you’ve heard the term asexual, that is what I am. What it means differs for each person, but for me, personally, I don’t feel sexual attraction. I don’t ever feel the need to have sex and the thought of it actually makes me uncomfortable.” Tony takes a deep breath.

 

“I want to apologize because I should have told you up front when we started this relationship. I hope you can forgive me. I just… I just lo-like you so much and I was weak and I wanted to have at least a little time with you,” Tony says. He tries to maintain eye contact, but his shame makes him lower his eyes and focus on his clasped hands on his lap instead.

 

“So, it’s not you. It’s emphatically me. I’m sorry for wasting your time, I hope we can at least still be friends,” Tony says tiredly.

 

“So, you can’t be with anyone? Why did you say yes to going out with me? God, Tony, you didn’t have to do that to spare my feelings. Have I been forcing myself on you? Oh God, we’ve kissed and touched so much…” Steve trails off and Tony’s head snaps up to meet Steve’s anguished eyes. He looks horrified and Tony feels bile rise up in his throat. He’s messed this up in the worst way possible.

 

“Steve, no! No, you never forced yourself on me! Just because I don’t feel sexual attraction doesn’t mean I don’t like or want to be with you. I like you a lot, I love dating you; this last month has been amazing. And the kisses, the cuddles, the hand holding? All of that I love. It’s the other stuff I can’t do,” Tony clarifies.

 

“I don’t… understand?” Steve asks. He looks marginally less panicked but his expression is skeptical, as if he thinks Tony is trying to spare his feelings and merely placating him.

 

“I’m still capable of wanting a romantic relationship, I just don’t want the more carnal, physical aspects. I like you, I want to date you, I want to go on dates and spend time with you. I like holding hands and when we cuddle while watching movies or before bed. I like the little kisses we’ve shared. I just can’t do more. So, I’m so sorry that I led you on like this. I’ll give you time. I can leave the compound if you need some time away from me. I’ll tell the team it was all on me, because it was.”

 

“Hold on,” Steve says and be actually has his hands in the time out sign. “Can we back up a few steps? So, you’re saying, you like me and want to be with me, but you just don’t want to have sex with me―or anyone else for that matter?”

 

Tony hesitantly nods, unsure where Steve is going with this. Steve blows out a breath and gives Tony a tiny smile. “Well, I’ll admit, I’m still a little confused and we definitely have to talk more about this, but I don’t know why we can’t still be in a relationship? I understand if you don’t want to be in one, but it sounds like you _do_.”

 

“Steve, didn’t you hear me? I can’t have sex. I don’t want to have sex, and no matter how much time passes or how patient you are, it’s not going to change. I’ve been to doctors and therapists, tried meds, tried everything. I’m done thinking something is wrong with me; I’ve accepted that this is a part of me and that it’s not wrong and I’m not broken,” Tony says. He’s been here before, his partners trying to understand but pushing him to go to the doctor, to try to find a ‘cure’. He hopes Steve isn’t asking him to do that.

 

Steve shakes his head. “No, of course not, Tony. I’m not saying any of that. I believe you and I’m trying to say… it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care if we never have sex. If you still want to and are able to be in a relationship with me, that’s what I want. I,” he pauses, but continues when Tony gives him an encouraging look, “I think you already know this, but I love you. I don’t need sex in a relationship and if you’re okay with it, I’d like it if we continued to see each other.”

 

Tony doesn’t know what to say; his heart is soaring, hearing Steve’s confession but he still isn’t sure Steve _understands_. “Steve you don’t know how happy you make me feel. Of course I… love you too. I love being with you but I don’t want you to give up sex just to be with me. I can’t do an open relationship so you won’t be able to have sex with other people. You’ll grow to resent me and we’ll still end up breaking up later down the line. You can’t lie and say you don’t want to have sex with me,” he points out.

 

“Tony, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I haven’t really been in any relationships since I was found in the ice. I don’t… sex wasn’t really ever important to me. I can honestly say the only people I’ve ever wanted to have sex with are Peggy and you. So, yes, I’m attracted to you… sexually―I hope that doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable―but I don’t need sex. I love you, and I want to be with you, sex would have been just another part of that, but certainly not the most important part. If you’re still up for it, will you be my fella?”

 

Steve has that determined ‘this mission is too important to fail’ face on, but he looks nervous underneath it. He looks vulnerable and Tony realizes that he’s not the only who’s afraid of this ending. He wants to give in, to tell Steve they can try this, but he’s so _afraid_. He doesn’t want to try it and have Steve realize he can’t be in a sexless relationship further down the line. On the other hand, Steve is honest and he wouldn’t tell Tony he could do it if he didn’t think he could.

 

“That’s cheating, using your 1940’s Brooklyn charm on me,” Tony says weakly. “I want to say yes Steve, you have no idea how much. I just don’t want either of us to be hurt later on.”

 

“So, we’ll take this one day at a time. I have a lot to read up on and I’d like it if you helped me understand this more fully. But, can’t we try?” Steve asks. He looks like he’s holding himself back from touching Tony; he’s a tactile person, Tony has learned.

 

“One day at a time, eh? You really want to learn about all this? Well, everyone knows Tony Stark is a selfish man, so I’m not going to argue if you want to give me everything I’ve ever wanted. We do need to talk this through and discuss our expectations. It’s going to kill me, talking about feelings, but I guess that’s part and parcel to this whole relationship thing,” Tony says and he wrinkles his nose at the thought.

 

Steve smiles and he touches Tony’s hand but freezes as he realizes what he’s doing. “Is this okay?”

 

Tony grabs Steve’s hand, interlacing their fingers together. “Like I said, I very much like holding hands and cuddling. I like the kisses too, though I’m not too into the whole tongue thing.” He tries to keep his tone light. He’s still nervous but he feels hopeful.

 

“I’m glad, I love holding your hand too. Can you come here?” Steve asks and he backs up on the bed until he’s lying down on top of the covers. Tony crawls over and lies down next to him, laying his head on Steve’s shoulder. They’re both still in their suits and it’s not entirely comfortable, but Tony feels content and settled in a way he hasn’t for a long time. They’ve done this before, cuddled platonically, and Tony loves it, cherishes it. He’s always denied himself physical comfort, afraid that it would turn into something more, but with Steve, he feels safe.

 

“We’ll talk about it all in the morning,” he murmurs and feels Steve nod. He reaches across Steve’s chest and drags his arm up until they’re holding hands again.

 

“I love you, Tony. Thanks for telling me all of this. I promise we’ll work it out. There is nothing more important to me than you,” Steve swears. He drops a feather-light kiss on the crown of Tony’s head.

 

Tony sighs with contentment and squeezes Steve’s fingers. “We will. I… you’re everything to me and I’m so grateful you’re still here.”

 

He isn’t sure what tomorrow will bring and maybe they’ll crash and burn, but for now, he’s going to live in the moment, accept the love that Steve feels for him and love him back just as hard. They had made it this far, and perhaps they’d make it a little further, together.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] take my hand, take my whole life too](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18031181) by [only_more_podfucs (only_more_love)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_more_love/pseuds/only_more_podfucs)




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